Onat Ergin, representative of Boston University's East and West Campuses, Computing & Data Sciences student, Robert College's shadow in the Northeast, and the bull of all bulls, delivered a blistering statement after attending last weekend's TSA All-Star Congress. Ergin drew attention by arriving in an outfit that violated the dress code. Our reporters, unable to enter the invitation-only event reserved for a limited number of students and graduates of prestigious universities, waited outside for hours to interview him. A TUMULTUOUS NIGHT AT CIRAGAN PALACE KEMPINSKI The evening, attended by prominent business figures, got off to a chaotic start. Security was exceptionally tight. Guests first passed through airport-grade X-ray screening. SST repeatedly set off the scanner and had to remove his shoes, then his belt. When it kept beeping, he turned to security and asked, "Want me to take off my socks too, brother?" The remark had the crowd howling. Visitors then passed a second verification stage using an AI-powered identity system to confirm that they really attended Harvard, MIT, or similar institutions. BOSTON UNIVERSITY NOT ON THE LIST Boston University student Onat Ergin could not hide his disappointment that his university's students and alumni had not been invited. Introducing himself as a Harvard student, he broke into a cold sweat when asked for a Harvard ID. Mr. Ergin checked the left inside pocket of his jacket, then the right. Finding no ID, he slowly lowered his hands. He reached into his left trouser pocket and felt something. Excited, he pulled it out, only to discover a receipt for a chicken teriyaki sandwich bought last year at the Subway in Warren Towers. He was devastated. At that moment, his guardian angel stepped in. "Do you think they ask Cemal Kafadar for ID?" Realizing that Ergin's scheme was about to be exposed, his companion intervened with confidence. As Onat reached for his right pocket after the Subway fiasco, the companion turned to him and said, softly but loudly enough for everyone nearby to hear, "Boy, do you think they ask Cemal Kafadar for ID when he comes to this place?" The attendant assumed Ergin worked with Cemal Kafadar and let him through without an ID. "WE HAVE IMPORTANT ALUMNI TOO, LIKE MARTIN LUTHER KING JR." Later in the event, Ergin seized an opportunity and went straight to the microphone. He politely condemned his university's absence from the list: "Friends, you're turning this place into a private club. We're people too... We're people too, aren't we, for fuck's sake? You have no right to do this just because we didn't get a 1600 on the SAT, attend Cagaloglu High School to pad our GPAs and extracurriculars, or write an ethnic-minority essay!" Shocked attendees began throwing whatever they could find at him: stones, bricks, forks, caviar, and more. One attendee, having exhausted everything on his table, impulsively took off his watch, later identified as a Rolex Datejust 41, and threw that too. Ergin deftly pocketed it, hoping to turn the crisis into an opportunity. He was devastated again when it turned out to be fake the next day. Security guards moved to remove Mr. Ergin from the microphone. Ergin grabbed it and continued speaking while running, producing colorful scenes. Out of breath, he made one last effort and shouted, "If there had been a Diyarbakir Science and Technology High School in Besiktas Ulus, do you think we wouldn't have gone?" The chase ended when a guard tackled him. Lying on the floor, Ergin was heard saying, "We have important alumni too, damn it, like Martin Luther King Jr." "THESE ALL-STAR EXPERIMENTS HAPPEN" After the commotion, Ergin met our reporters while being escorted out by security. "We didn't have escorts in my day," he said. Asked what he thought of the event, he replied, "They try these all-star things everywhere. The NBA has been doing it since 1962. There, just like here, it's nothing more than a frivolous event designed to make money." Once security released him outside, he straightened his clothes and continued: "These sorts of things happen in places like Saudi Arabia now. That's where they're considered appropriate. It's bad for our image." After these remarks, Onat Ergin hailed a taxi. He has not been seen since. Whether this is a simple coincidence or a plot by the Harvard lobby remains unclear.